The Emotionless Monologue #1


Source: Tumblr.com
Source: Tumblr.com

So, here I am sitting on my bed, wondering about my emotions. Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson is playing on the background (my phone has psychic powers, somehow it plays the right song at the right time). Why? Here’s why. The guy that I like, just told me that he likes some other girl. I am a person who will never tell you if I like you and being that person, I told him to drop hints for that girl to know and I am very happy for him.

I don’t know how many girls out there feels this way but I have a huge insecurities on my feelings. I am someone who will never let my guards down. I don’t trust people easily. I don’t cry easily (except for movies) and if I do cry, I’ll mask it. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility towards my own happiness. Yes, I laugh everyday, I do. But, every time that happens, I’ll remind myself not to be too happy. Simply put, I HIDE MY FEELINGS, ALL THE TIME. I have been single for a long time now. Not because there is no guys who are after me, but it is because I find it very hard to open up after bad, bad past histories.

My friend once tell me this: Cainy, don’t this to yourself. Be true to your feelings. Set it free.

In my head, I was thinking, set what free? Because there is literally nothing in my heart, to be freed. But, I tried. I set it free, God knows what is that. It felt, surprisingly, good. Time went by, he appeared out of nowhere. Messages, calls, silly jokes, meet ups, small fights, making my friend jealous – all this in one month, every single day. But yeah, he never told me that he likes me whatnot, but  I felt this strange sense of belonging. I felt he was mine. All that and yet, I fought myself not to like him. I’ll delete our conversation, so that, I would not be able to see his name or else I’ll would start messaging him. I was afraid of myself. Every time he tells me about the girls who like him, I’ll try to keep it cool. He was the first thing of the day and also last the thing. I know I talk to him more than I talk to my parents and I extremely felt bad for that.

And, the best part, I didn’t even know what I feel right now. I can’t even cry, even if I try. Whatever it is, I just know that I want him to be happy. I want the best for him in everything he do.

I have been living far away from home for 4 years now. I have taught myself to be independent. I have struggled to find my own self. I have pursued the love for my passion, in a way that does not conform expectations of people from my own social circle.

Maybe I am not that emotionless, after all and that’s why I write all this. Or might be, I am emotionally damaged. I don’t know.

One thing for sure, I am growing stronger day by day. Being strong beats the state of being emotionless. Yes, it definitely does.  And, my phone is playing So Sick by Ne-Yo, at this very moment 😉

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